Two weeks ago my biggest concern was getting accepted into a Grant Funded Data Analytics Certified Course.
I kept thinking to myself “damn over 300 people applied for this course! Who the fuck do I think I am to get choosen to be 1 out of 50 accepted into this certified program.” And on 3/11/2020 I got that email that said ‘Congratulations’, I was ecstatic. Over the moon happy. I had several conversations in my head that went like this “Regine, God said be anxious about NOTHING”, “Regine, if it’s not for you don’t be mad, don’t be sad, just carry on and keep searching for your niche” and “There’s nothing left for you in NYC, let’s move” in my head I can really be my greatest supporter. Now look at me, prayer answered, anxiety lifted, blessings coming my way. Life is good. Plus I’d save $4k on course expenses that my job would not reimburse me.
But today, I’m facing a monster problem that I couldn’t imagine I’d face in a million years. But because I’m so ashamed of this I won’t go into detail. Yet, I’ll share the conversation I had with myself.
The conversation with myself went like this: “Where did I go wrong? Just when I thought I was in God’s golden grace, I feel smacked down into a muddy filth of doubt, anguish, unworthiness and anxiety. The problem now is that I will doubt myself time after time again, even though all the facts are shown as me doing my best in life. Hell, maybe I’m a people pleaser, I let people run their mouth as they cut me off when I haven’t merely completed my sentence/thought. What’s even worse, I put the needs of others before my own and I wonder why I’m not truly happy.” That’s the hard conversation I have with myself. Talk about being hard on yourself right!?
Truth is I’ll face this monster and it will not win, I’ll have thicker skin all because of the experience. God has a very interesting way of showing me where my life needs to be, who I need in my life and who I need to distance myself from now. Each time I go against God’s wishes I learn a new lesson. It’s as if I like taking the longer harder route of life. There is a war happening and I have no choice but to walk by faith and not by sight.
Keeping Hope Alive,
Original Good Girl